every time i send "do you want some cock" to her T9 manages to change it to "anal"...i think she's mad now
Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
oh, i've got big weekend plans. on an unrelated note, do you think viagra will work if the guy is roofied?
i sound like a 75 year old homeless man that has spent all his panhandling money on cigarettes since he was 12. that rough.
I should know better than to trust a man I've seen cry on multiple occasions to give me accurate sports information.
attractive or not, he has more than one book on serial killers. i'm gonna get out of here while i can
How am I feeling this morning? Well, besides the fact that my vagina looks like a pair of giraffe's lips and I'm walking like an over-confident cowgirl, I'm fantastic. Thanks for your concern.
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
They kept barging in on us saying random shit. At one point they came in yelling room service! and threw soda at us bruising my foot. Weirdest injury I have gotten during sex.
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
Randomize
