i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
maybe i'll see you again later :)
I'd rather shit a knife.
He gave me a promise ring. He promised that he will imagine me as every girl he fucks in college.
I'm going to start telling people I'm a sophomore so they stop asking me about college and what I want to do with my life
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
Way to high for badminton right now. This is gonna be a shitshow.
I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this?
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
No, they seem attractive after SIX beers, after three they're just the gender you're looking for.
She introduced me as that girl Nathan was fingering
I forgot her safe word. It was a rough night.
Dinner at 5, shrooms at 10.
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
Randomize
