i saw the 3rd guy i ever had sex with last night and kept calling him #3
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
We just left the shoe. An app card to Fridays. $25 to santoras and a note that said sorry we were drunk on the front doorstep of the strip club
My cousin is passed out in my room, so I just masturbated in my walk-in closet. Apparently I get off on danger. Make note of that.
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
Just want to let you know thanks for setting the bar pretty low when it comes to girls.
He licked my mouth. I felt like I was making out with my dog.
Jesus Christ. Even your cock has to be an overachiever. :-(
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
I barfed on the cat last night. Just wanted to share.
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
Randomize
