dude...i just woke up in ****'s bed!
doesn't he have a girlfriend???
yeah...who do you think woke us up...
oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
two drunk chicks are talking to me about reinacting 2girls1cup
ill bring the camera dont start without me
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
Beverly Hills, 90210. Cleveland Browns, 0.
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
Update: still drunk enough to get lost in Zellers and to think my reflection was my mother. Awesome day.
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
Randomize
