Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
He ate me out. It was like watching him trying to win a pie eating contest
then they high fived as they party boyed me. I was a policewoman sandwhich. I love you halloween.
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
we are cloud gazing and there is one that looks like a giant baby riding a dolphin and smoking a joint
i wish there was a reasonable explanation for why this reminds me of you
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
No no don't get confused. We do chemistry homework on Thursdays. We screw on Fridays. Other than that, Words With Friends is our only communication five days a week. We are NOT dating.
She's a freaking stalker dude, it's like having some kind of cartoon animal just following around everywhere
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
Dude whoeverrs house this is has only creeam cheese and beer in the fridge. Thats my kinda diet
Randomize
