If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
dude, I just walked in on your little brother changing clothes...I'm ashamed to say I noticed, but that kid has as MASSIVE cock...
Yeah...we all know. it's the elephant in the room at family gatherings.
that is a frighteningly accurate metaphor for it.
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
Next time we're there I want drunk pics of us trying to ride the stone lions downtown. Don't even attempt to fight me on this.
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
I just commented on the education level of his penis.
I have to answer enough questions about you, I don't need your uterus tossed in the conversation.
Well, you've continued the theme of living with people who's dicks I've sucked.
I can't go to class, I have all this weed to sell
About 98% sure I just walked by some dude jerking it in the library. I'm guessing his college experience isn't going as planned
It's a beautiful day to be high as fuck
Wait is this place where the strippers are missing teeth and I think one is missing a thumb? Though I don't know how she would maneuver on the pole without a thumb. Pls advise.
Chicks dig it when you smell like bong water and frebreeze.
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
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