Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
he looked about as manly as a guy in a volkswagen bug can look
I hope that the reason I've been psycho on him is that I'm pregnant and not just psycho.
She came over and gave me a handy and then just lingered for a day and a half. Worst weekend ever.
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
Ive yelled into your vagina. There are few lines we haven't crossed at this point.
How do i politely tell him his dick looks like it went thru a meat grinder?
...I think i just fell in love with a random undergrad at first glance. He was the awkward young adult version of captain hook. Dear god i need to get off this campus.
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
He said he was Greek American and that is why my legs slammed shut. During the World Cup there are only Americans.
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
Randomize
