Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
I just saw Sharon Stone's cootch in high def. I think I'll stay gay.
Thank God. You really dodged a small penis there.
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
I think rescheduling my finals around when Im going to be hungover is responsible
I just passed a truck with its bed lined with a tarp and filled with water with six dudes chilling in the back driving through campus. That looks fun.
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
Maybe if I get to know him I'll stop wanting to fuck his wife so much.
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
I was floored. Like way less concerned with him using drugs than I am with him not believing in evolution.
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
I've started recycling nudes. Why should I take new pictures for every single man?
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