Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
I refrained from asking a guy what he spilled on his dick because it smelled good. Morals.
It's called being normal.
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
He showed up completely drunk with a 30 of PBR and ten cans of Spam. I like this kid.
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
Randomize
