Uggggg i want to leave and get bombed over baghdad
I wish that guy wasn't missing teeth
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
Well, I just hope you know I had your best interests at heart when I put your sandwich down my pants.
im pretty sure your bra is in my room hanging on my shark pinata
if she didnt wantt to be febrezed, she shouldnt have smelled so desperate.
This is Jewish guilt versus Irish Catholic guilt. We should tread carefully, or we could fuck up the space-time continuum or something.
I'm okay with that.
Whiskey dick has taught us to be smart with our time.
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
It was easier that asking where the vagina platter is.
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
So let me get this straight I was getting drunk with our science teacher from high school and you got drunk with an 82 year old woman who invited you back to her house and made you sandwiches.
Yes.
Randomize
