my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
while cleaning my room, i've found many wonderful things. one of these is the card you gave me for my eighteenth birthday. it's a christmas card that says "i want to stick it in your sponger"
Everytime I see a couple on campus walking and holding hands I just want to yell he's gonna lie!
well right now he's telling us a story how he befriended a racoon
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
He yelled "Go Ducks" while he came
I think I fell asleep on the dance floor at one point...but played it off cool and acted like I just did the robot.
You were more fun when you didn't have morals.
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
Oh, did your mom say anything else about my butt?
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
Randomize
