I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
For a day that started with shitting my pants, things turned out fairly well.
DO NOT FUCK HIM ON MY BEAN BAG CHAIR
He was going nice and slow, then he yelled " BOONNEESTOORRMM!!!!!". I can't walk straight.
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to hit on your nurse while getting an HIV test.
the old man that you threw the shoe at says "hi" and many rude words...
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
CURSE YOU AND YOUR SEXY LOGIC
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
I mean the power was out what was I supposed to do
Randomize
