I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
just walked by a lingerie store, the sign out front, "Specials for Father's Day", in no way is that just not wrong.
Graduating is kinda bittersweet. Now I'm gonna have to find another excuse to day-drink and sleep until 3pm besides "I'm in college."
Mmmhmmm sure, nice try, but there's certain wounds that only bj's can heal
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
Somehow ed fucked carrie while purposely not saying a single word to her all night. He just nodded and smiled.
Would it have been easier if he talked to her?
Yeah, but i bet him he couldn't do it. Now he gets a free taco bell combo of his choosing.
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner.
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
I like the new guy, he keeps beer in the fridge.
Randomize
