i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
So drunk, too bad you don't want this
Just got the American Express annual summary for 2009. The amount of bars we visited last year is impressive.
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
I think throwing up in my her purse is probably why we broke up
its safe to say i can delete the contact in my phone "brandon random bus make out" from spring break right?
nope. It turned out i wasnt the drunkest person asleep in tacobell parking lot.
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
All I know is that at 4 am I was walking down the street in my bra and his shorts and Im pretty sure I passed my grandma on her morning walk.
Steve, that episode of cops where your dealer rear-ended that family is on again.
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
I'm just going to take a nap and hope I wake up more attractive.
How was it?
i think i smell bacon but im to sore to walk downstairs. that kinda night
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