Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
So, I had a dream last night that girls approached guys at the bar and said things like "i would like to pleasure you tonight." No drink buying, no sweet talking or ANYTHING.....it. was. awesome.
Foreign porn with subtitles is a little disappointing.
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
So yeah she lost her virginity in a wheel chair with a broken pelvis. I'm still trying to figure out how I should feel about that.
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
i want to have his babies. i NEED to. shit i wont even ask for child support, he's that goodlooking.
So what exactly does one do when my driver gets a DUI and is now arrested and I'm still hiding in the trunk?
You had a hat of bras. Probably a good dozen, which is totally impressive for a Thirsty Thursday
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
He’s really fucking cute. Like, I want his penis in my mouth cute.
It true. It written in the Bible.
Yes I remember that, right next to the passage where jesus said unto his disciples, pop molly, fuck bitches amen
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
Randomize
