you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
Um I think everyone drunk and there's some douche on violin.
I feel like this is going to result in some sort of tearing in my vagina.
Thats a chance were just gonna have to take
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
You can't mix blow jobs, bacon, and Star Wars.
A) just did. And b-z) that sounds like a great Sunday morning.
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
so as he was cumming he sort of growled with one eye squinted... for a moment there I thought I was fucking Popeye
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
Randomize
