Laziness has reached now heights if you too unmotivated to buy pot
I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
fter the third song from an iPod commercial played I realized how much that frat sucked.
Talk about the highs and lows of a night out: had a threesome, then got robbed at knifepoint.
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
Do you remember puking up your retainer into the toilet and putting it right back in your mouth?
I got stoned in my snow covered car and pretended I was burried alive
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
She kept pulling joints out of her bra and asking strangers for birthday hugs.
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
he kissed both of us goodnight when we dropped him off...I didn't know if I was more offended or impressed
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
Randomize
