Hey, do you have a beer bong you could drop off at my little brother's place?
Omg. I just woke up in a room full of naked people
The way you explained my vagina was exactly the way I would of described my breakfast burrito.
Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
woke up with the dennys waiters MYSPACE link on the back of my receipt...yep one of those nights
There are pictures of you on the shoulders of some old guy dressed as borat
She's gone now. Left with the wind like a majestic leaf that just rides the invisible current to locations unknown. And dude, her friends were really hot.
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
Told my brother the truth how I meet her...I grabbed the first thing I could when the cops came. 10 months later we are engaged.
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
That was the first time ive ever slept with a girl with a q in her name
Remember how I was complaining about how no guy has ever gotten me off?
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