Old men and throwing up are my life now.
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
Vegas should really enforce the buddy system because if not everyone is going to end up swimming during the water show in front of the Bellagio.
Well I almost walked away with an Irish guy's boarding pass and some south guy's dignity
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
I wasn't vocally whispering "she wants to bite your dick off" about that kirsten girl was I?
Thanks for letting me rent out your vagina rec room. I don't expect the security deposit back.
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
We're all just looking at each other quietly, hoping that no one brings up last nights shenanigans.
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
I cant go through life without knowing what ginger pubes actually look like
I think I just got buffalo sauce on my penis. Is that a turn on or off?
He's watching Always Sunny and eating refried beans straight from the can.
Randomize
