Ps there is totally a drug addled prostitute in olympic pizza asking for change for a 100 bill
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
he was like "finding out that arrested development was cancelled" bad
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
I think the taxi driver just requested me on facebook..... his name was george right?
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
don't forget friday is see who can get the most free drinks at the gay bar contest. winner gets $50
This essay is so getting done. I am spurred on by thoughts of test-driving your newly shaven face by sitting on it as soon as humanly possible.
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
Have you ever been anal in a bush on the Vegas strip drunk?
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