I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
pretty sure i remember announcing that i lost my virginity to that brad paisley song when it came on during power hour?
They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983"
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
Like woke up with a dick piercing kind of drunk.
I think after 8 tries we can say Stoli Thursdays cause too much damage.
Just heard a 15 minute program on the radio about how cases of gonorrhea in the throat and rectum are skyrocketing in the US. Almost crashed laughing so hard.
Sorry, who is this??
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