apparently i traded the tiffany necklace my mom bought me for 2 shots and next in line for beer pong at the frat.
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
It took me four clicks to get to 2009 on his profile. This can't work.
this is not the first time I've had hot dogs and 151 for thanksgiving.
I think my sunburn makes my ass look bigger
I tried snowmobiling at 2 am. I broke my glasses. You're right. Things do get out of control.
I'm so fucking horny right now If I blink I might cum
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
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