I just fired a shotgun out of the back of a truck going 60. i am going to miss oregon.
taking a shot every time they compare curling to a real sport
I noticed how good my hair still looked. Apparently rum and coke in it helps it stay curly thru sex. May be using this more often.
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
Can't tell if its the LSD or if that demon man just stared at my penis. Cleveland is a weird place. All true stories.
Welcome to a new world. May the gods of weed smile upon you as you embark on exploring this new dimension.
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
And one groomsman rode a suitcase cart like a skateboard until he crashed and took out a piece of sheet rock. Later he pulled out his nuts.
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
I have been adopted by a clan of drunken skinny dipping tourists.
Randomize
