After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
So I just went to student health services and on my way in there was a girl outside on her phone saying "I just dont want you to be angry" and on my way out she was saying "I have the side effects sheet right here" Someone started the semester off classy
Weird question, would you want to do fetish porn? you get paid.
Had her hockey skates on in the house. Whole floor is ruined.
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
I'd rather take 10 virginities than catch something. Right now I should be good, I mean the sex with Jake was so bad he can't possibly have an std
I think now I understand why people say my penis is pretty.
Let's run into the wild and just eat berries and have sex all the time.
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
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