If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
i'm using my hot pot to make jello shots in a muffin tin. i'm never ever graduating.
his semen tasted like maple syrup. no wonder fat girls always wanna fuck him.
Judging that there's a photo of me getting head while sitting on a graveyard tombstone.....not good.
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
He's more than prepared to help us move. Dude brought sunscreen, cans of Coke, and Captain Morgan.
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
i was gonna do a lot worse than just throw cat food on you while you were passed out, but then you sleep vomited and i felt a little bad
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
Some girl woke me up at 1:30 am looking for weed and the next thing I know I'm in a hot tub with 3 girls, 2 40's, and a blunt.
Peeing in taco bell cups is part of the fun of going to taco bell
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
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