does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
I may have a concussion but the symptoms are the same as a hangover so I can't tell. Best 21st ever.
I have this strange craving to see a really fat person go down a slipnslide
I had to have the lights off to hide my face. I was laughing so hard I almost peed in her mouth
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
I lost my bra, he lost his virginity. Seems like a fair trade off.
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
I’m tired of his bullshit and premature ejaculation. I’m going to hotel bars and finding a guy who is DTF
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