Banned from zoo.
Again?
Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
Just saw the first guy i ever slept with in drag. I can hear my grandfather saying "i knew she was a lesbian" somewhere
Ive decided I'm sending thank you notes to all the bars for graduation.
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
I don't even care that his girlfriend will be there. Us hooking up is a tradition and she will NOT ruin it.
I danced with a french guy who licked the sweat off my neck and poured a drink on me. Not gonna lie, that shit was refreshing
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
Your poor dick will look at you and scowl for all the abuse he's going to take this week.
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
Burnt food and a broken vibrator. Disappointment after disappointment. Is April a man?
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
The thing about online classes is the prof can't tell this mug is full of beer.
Randomize
