Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
I didnt expect it either. But she was there and I had a boner, so i made it happen.
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
All I could understand from his text was "hatchet" "soccer" & "bitch". its safe to say andy has had enough to drink & will be violent soon
You think they'd ask my permission before turning Pajamarama into an orgy. I saw too many of my friends dicks at once the door got kicked down.
when I sang my humps to you I meant it.
If I sleep with another Spanish guy it is officially renamed my senor year.
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
Would you by any chance know if there is a proper protocol for traveling with one's vibrator? I wouldn't want the TSA to rip open my suitcase in front of my boss.
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
Randomize
