Having a conversation over beer pong about a threesome I participated in...it's only Wednesday
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
Not enough clothes on. Not enough vagina. Not enough drugs in my body.
Based on the pics I have taken of hookups while they were passed out or sleeping, I have scientifically concluded that no two vagina lips are the same. They are like snowflakes.
Just did ten shots in 8.34 minutes........ Slowly getting over the loss
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
Why i have shady connections. Owner just txt me asking to come by and judge the new stripper.
Sure. But we have to be quiet.
Ninja mode activated
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
He’s really fucking cute. Like, I want his penis in my mouth cute.
Just to let you know we went to the circus yesterday...in case you didn't remember
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
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