my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
a guy tried paying for lapdances with cds, who uses those anymore?
nothing like walking down the street with a garbage bag of puke trying to find a dumpster
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
Oh, and no balcony sex...trust me.
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
Now that makes it sound like you had sex with a guy in batman costume and you never took the mask off so you can't 100 percent be sure.
bitch dont make me pour hotsauce in your vagina
I would ride that face into the sunset
Sex to movie scores is my best choice of the year. You've had an orgasm but have you had an orgasm with an entire orchestra.
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
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