The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
Do they fuck in the end of "Lady and the Tramp" or am i just wasting my time
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
I'm currently looking on facebook to see how slutty the girls from my kindergarden class are now. I have a problem.
When he sent me a picture, I swear my vag frowned. That tiny.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
He sent me a dick pic, and it had smeared lipstick on it. So I sent him the pic of my tit with the hickey ring your brother gave me.
Double check your contract and see if it says anything about sleeping with your manager
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
I'm having to shit out rocks
Randomize
