I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
Her sister's ass was worth my getting thrown out of the house.
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
she screamed"i told you already! counter clockwise spiral and the clockwise spiral!!" right in the middle of sex
wow, i never thought dating a choreographer would be so harsh
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
Well after the shots I danced with a homeless guy, split my toe on broken glass, and had a 20 piece mcnugget. Who says postgrad life is boring.
my life could not get any worse. just saw my sister in a porno
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
I just compared my relationship to that double ended dong scene from Requiem. This day just took a turn.
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
Randomize
