Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
I want you to know that after i type the word "your" vagina is next on my predictive tex
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
you went to subway and got pissed when they refused to deep fry your sub
I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
They're all gay and their wifi network is named HOMOS. I want to live with these people.
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
friends are allowed to bang on New Years, I read it on the Internet somewhere.
By NOT going to the gym, I'm helping my future. I don't want stripping, prostitution, or porn to be viable money making options.
Sharknado 3 is going to bring us to alcoghol poisonign
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