Spraying perfume on pants makes them clean right?
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
this crazy girl in up in Dennys is going crazy because Bob Saget just texted her.
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
dude that bald bouncer just did a body shot off of brian and then kicked us out for trying to charge him for it
There were so few words spoken that I'm not sure if it was make-up or break-up sex.
Printing the vagina inspector badge was money well spent.
Ryab! Make hr wtop. Mshe make sme speee. I don want to pee. I want sev. He was so igbad. Redpo.
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
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