she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
you went up to their shower, tripped in it, accidentally turned it on and then claimed that you like to "test everyone's showers"
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
Omg!!!! Call me in the morning I just saw A stripper queef out a dollar
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
He just gave himself a boner while driving using "the power of his mind"
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
I last recall trying to play piano and asking justin for drugs. I would like to think I then gracefully laid down on the couch and shut my eyes like a sleeping kitten.
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
He literally lured me in the house with his cat then we ended up fucking on the living room couch while the cat just sat there and watched
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