mmm... i enjoy making beautiful women smile
what day is it and did you see me today?
we need to drink 2009 down the drain
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
I think it is impossible 2 take a person seriously when their last name is Pancake
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
Can you bring home bongs? Like all the bongs. I need bongs
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
Was that before, or after strip tac toe.....
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
Randomize
