I just woke up and i'm wearing a cape and it says sup slut on my ass
I just saw Sharon Stone's cootch in high def. I think I'll stay gay.
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
Mike is worried about me going on a cruise in June without him....how cute he thinks we are going to last till June
I just want to be covered in whipped cream and spanked, is that too much to ask?
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
Just woke up. Will be over soon. DON'T LEAVE THE CHAMPAGNE UNSUPERVISED.
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
I don't trust him but hanging out with him might be fun
he's literally satan but yeah probably
I know this shouldnt be a problem, but there are too many women hitting on me. I dont know what to do
I figure I since I made out with him that I at least had to save his number in my phone.
your mission the party friday: cockblock me at ALL costs. I've cheated on my boyfriend twice. I feel like three times would be crossing some sort of line...
and no, I don't care how how hot he is
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