i feel like im doing the pre-walk of shame..like every car that drives by is like, ooooo look at that girl, in that itty bitty dress, yep shes about to get her skank on tonight...
No it only became awkward when she walked in with her new boyfriend and we realized we'd all banged her
saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
there may or may not be knives in your bed. I would check
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
direct quote from andrew "you know i can't hear when i drink whiskey"
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
Oh also we fucked while one of the old Rudolph movies was playing on tv so it was festive
Man, I'm real high and googling what all my favorite figure skaters from childhood are doing now.
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
Randomize
