Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
Dude. He drives a mini. Therefore he's a virgin
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
Can we hire someone to dj while we have sex?
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
I don't think he realizes it but he was stroking the faucet while he was talking to me.
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
I am very happy to share that the hospital says the testicle pain is normal and that they are going to take care of it.
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
Randomize
