sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
What changed your mind?
Being sober
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
Just took adderall with about half a bottle of red wine...i have stopped trying for this last exam
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
This place is a maelstrom of dicks.
I mean as in stuck up bastards, not actual, desirable male genitalia. My point is, come pick me up fast, please!
I was just thinking about if my bath water turned to jello and got a little freaked out
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
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