apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
Just saw the pics you left in my phone. thanks for reminding me that last night was not a dream.
Got home. Hugged Mom. The look on her face indicated she noticed nipple rings.
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
Just had to find a way to explain to the border patrol that we were coming into canada "for about a half hour to have one last under 21 drink before kendals birthday at midnight." He said ok and told us where the closest bar was. Nice man.
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
Yah at one point i was listening to metallica and doing pushups last night. I went thru alot of emotions.
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
Pretty sure my aunt hooked up with one of my brothers frat brothers at his graduation party
Randomize
