You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
Michael Bay diarrhea
and he thought i came like four times in 2 mins. my leg just kept cramping up
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
I remember your 21st ending with me driving you home while you insisted making bicycle signals out the car window.
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
I think putting on real pants was half my issue with today
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
I pelvic thrusted so hard while he was eating me out that his nose started bleeding. I think it's broken. Trophy scars, right?
Randomize
