we were having sex and she freaked out when i said nipple
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
When that rick ross song came on he started ripping up dollar bills and pouring out drinks on the floor. I'm all for ignorance but it was a little excessive for a wedding
Dude she looks like a female richard gere plus 400 pounds.
she fucked me tho cuz it was her cat's birthday. As soon as we were done she just says "ahhh tequila tuesdays"
How unacceptable would it be to bar hop with a funnel in the square? It's Halloweekend and I plan on going hard. I can claim it goes w/ my costume. But I don't think the MIMITW uses funnels.
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
I'm up in my room and I just saw a naked guy sprint out into the streets from my mom's party downstairs
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
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