here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
i found you on the dancefloor with your cell phone to your ear saying that you didn't like the music they played at the club so you were going to listen to your own
I smoked weed with pregnant girl. I'm going to hell.
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
I can already almost taste penis in my mouth
My teacher just let our class out 30 minutes early, its a 50 minute class. He said the only thing we had to do was get fucked up tonight and have stories about it on Monday.
The attempted closet masturbation was unforgivable.
That was the most fucked up I've ever seen him. He had the fucking Canola Oil!
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
FYI the blow job was for papa johns pizza
I regret 8000% nothing
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
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