I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
period poops. best. ever.
omigod im sitting here with ben and he and i both got that...chick you totally just mass texted that...
So this shipmate of mine somehow managed to throw up in his back pocket.
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
I feel like you just railed me after that sext
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but a penn state hat. We are....
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
Why does fireball set life on fire? Your insides, your head, your behavior...
Should I tell him how he got the bruise on his ass or just enjoy his theories?
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
she went outside...danced, got some snow, and put cherry vodka in it. she was so proud of herself.
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
And tell your penis that we can hang out tonight for sure.
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