I got wasted for the 1st time and I sat in a fridge for 2 hours and a trash can?
exactly what part of this weekend seemed like a good idea?
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
I'd say this is worse than that time when I realized that my favorite bath toy growing up was my Mom's douche bottle.
Seriously. You just grinded your ass all over the heisman trophy's dick. I want you to think about that.
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
I just want to get drunk and wake up on Wednesday
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
So he apologized for peeing on my floor.. then we fucked all night.
Real classy
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