i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
Just finished my law exam. Questions 4-18 seemed to pertain specifically to things we've done this semester.
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
That chick who made out with a door is here. Want her number??
Woke up the next morning in an 8 year old's bedroom. Saw my bra swinging from the spiderman ceiling fan and decided it would be best to dip out w/o it.
He's on the bus now and took off his Amish hat so just his long ginger beard is present. Goodbye, majestic Amish ginger. Go forth and represent your minority well.
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
I need a genital shamwow being this wet.
the last thing is remember is that strange guy in the leotard...i woke up in my bed, naked, with a half eaten grilled cheese on my nightstand, a six pack in the fridge, a new pack of cigarettes on my pillow and coke in my purse. apparently i bought some drugs, shopped and cooked. typical.
He's a downgrade and it was quick. But it was dick nonetheless.
Randomize
