grinding to god bless the USA? really?
shut up
If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
Definitely got drunk and sent her a literal picture of my asshole. I titled it " you"
Wouldn't pinatas filled with coke be awesome idea for cinco de mayo?
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
he calls himself the gay cupid because he matches two guys looking to hookup on craigstlist with each other. get me out of here. please.
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
I guess I look like the kind of girl who would buy edible, weed-infused lube.
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
All of a sudden he got that look on his face and ran to the dance floor and started fist pumping to Rihanna that kind of night
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