update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
Its only fair we share our golden vaginas with the world. It would be selfish if we didn't.
That boy needs some memories to take back home with him
nothing like going to the bathroom, running into the wall, thinking its a person and saying"its ok i just had the 4 beers" even the wall knew i was lying
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
We can stop fighting if you send me a picture of your dick standing at full attention wearing a sock.
I'll wait.
It can also be a hat.
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
Randomize
