I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
I NEED TO NOT REMEMBER THIS IN THE MORNING. He is our TEACHER.
Hhahaha he is. Omg the new polish friend just took his pants off in front of me. There is something wrong with this nationality.
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
He was sucking my nipples then stopped, looked me dead in the eyes and said "im gonna cum for my babygirl"
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
sitting in the prison waiting room in my boyfriends clothes. looooong story.
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