he doesn't have near as many excuses as you..and his are usually pretty legit. like "i'm having a baby." that's pretty legit.
You really need to tell him that he has a girlfriend. I'm not sure he knows
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
dude i should have never cleaned my ears out while high. theres no going back.
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
We were kinda loud so his roommate woke up and to make up for it he invited him to a threesome. I can't drink whiskey anymore.
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
Highlight your past hook-ups. You've been stabbed, shot at, run over, and chased down the road...no you can't bring new bar bitch over here!
Dude she has a friend!!!!
Randomize
