you didnt say anything until i brought it up today. i guess i misjudged your maturity.
I guess I misjudged your gender.
He sent me a video of himself jacking off. I am not kidding.
WTF??? Isn't he married??
Yeah but his wife is at a birthday party and I guess he's bored. LOL
just got 3 freshman girls to makeout with each other at a toga party! score!
why is this not a picture message?!?!
i just shit on the floor of my room. my roommate was in the bathroom, my choices were limited.
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
I just walked in on my dad beating it.. There's not a fucking therapist in ARKANSAS that can help me with that!
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
Randomize
